Day 30
Well, it’s over. I’m really surprised at how quickly it went by after that first week. This all started because I realized that TV was an idol for me. Not that I was bowing down and worshipping it or offering sacrifices to it, that’s too obvious and I don’t think the devil works like that. Webster’s Dictionary defines idolatry as an immoderate attachment or devotion to something. Yup, that pretty much sums it up. I didn’t even realize it had become that important in my heart until I was told I should take it away. Ultimately I’m glad that I did.
I read two books in 30 days which is a monumental feat for me. The first was Unbound: A Practical Guide to Deliverance. This book was simply amazing. It is about becoming free from the crap and lies we have come to believe about ourselves and that the devil wants us to keep thinking because it holds us back from pure relationships and can keep us from reaching our full potential. Here is something I learned about myself through the process Neal Lozano outlines in his book.
It has always really bothered me when people would tell me that they would do something for/with me and then wouldn’t follow through. I’d get really mad, and it would hurt really, really bad in my spirit. Sure, people should follow through on the things they say but I’ve found it hard or nearly impossible to forgive someone for not following through with me. The term I used was “annoyed,” it annoyed me when people wouldn’t follow through. Part of the deliverance process is thinking back to when I first felt that way, well as my mom said I was a difficult case. Part of my problem was I was processing through each step looking for what would happen next in the process and not just letting God take me to the place I first felt the feelings. I don’t remember all of the levels we went down trying to find the feeling/lie I believed about myself. We really started to get somewhere was when I saw myself in my dads workshop in the house I grew up. I could see myself standing there and I could feel the feelings I felt when I was a kid (I knew we weren’t quite to the heart of things yet because when you hit that lie or feeling it totally overwhelms you) but I was able to articulate what I was feeling and that was “I must not be important enough to bother with.” Not important enough to bother with, it still saddens me to think that I believed that as a child and still did up until recently. We tried to pinpoint an event that happened to make me feel that way and we really couldn’t and as my mom prayed for the Holy Spirit to give us some help on this, He spoke to her that this might be a generational thing. Very shortly after she said this I shot away from child hood in my mind to a few weeks ago when something happened between me and my son. I saw in his face that I had made him feel that same feeling I felt as a child. At this point I was completely overwhelmed by emotion. It was crazy because I knew from reading the book that we found it and could now take care of ridding myself of that lie and getting rid of any evil spirit attached to that lie. I was also feeling really, really guilty for having made my son feel not important enough to bother with, and as I prayed through that I had a sense from the Holy Spirit that it was the first time I had made him feel that way and I would be able to fix that pretty easily. We finished out the process of renouncing and asking Jesus to fill that space we just cleared out. When it was all over I felt an immense peace which I knew from reading the book is good confirmation that we dealt with the lie. I think that there are so many christians that would benefit so much from this kind of counseling. I used to have a stigma of the only people that needed counselors were people that were really messed up. The truth is we all could use some deliverance.
Well the other book I read was Doing Church as a Team by Wayne Cordeiro again a really good book. Now I don’t necessarily agree with everything he says but the core of the things he discussed in the book were very helpful in tweaking the way that I lead to make it just a bit better.
I found time to get somethings done around the house, I spent time with my kids. (if my son wants to play Kings Corner with you be prepared to lose, I have yet to beat him) Spend time with my wife, and lots of time with God. I did turn on the TV this morning to watch SportsCenter, I’ve been feeling very out of the loop, but the plan is to not watch nearly as much and I really want to read more.
I have found my relationship with God more precious after these 30 days and ultimately that was the goal. I want Jesus to be the greatest desire of my heart.
I’m very proud of you. Keep seeking that greatest desire. He wants that, too.